WRITTEN EYE TEST
Some people say that all tests must be purely visual: to those, we say, pipe down, strawman: you don't know your eyes from your eyestalks.
Please answer the below honestly and fully. Remember: when you lie, you're cheating both yourself, and, to a greater extent, the entire history of human endeavour.
Chief Examiner: S. Holmes
Q1: Your father's birthday is tomorrow. Regrettably, the miserable cocktail of genetics and obligation dictates the need for a gift. You have one night to discover what he likes. Do you:
a) Phone him. Small talk, then ask him directly. It's the only way to get to the truth.
b) Break into his house. You know his movements. He's rigid, dull, predictable. Dinner, 6pm. TV, 5.30 - 8.30. Bed at 9. Even so, he has a diary. Red. Battered cover. A5. You saw it, last March. Nearly read it, when he was in the bathroom. It wasn't ethics that stopped you, it was time: his usual bowel movements are three minutes, not quite enough to gleam anything worthwhile. It must hold the key.
Q2: You are at a second-rate wedding, thrown by a second-rate friend. You're seated at a bad table, next to the kitchen. You arrived late (something important had come up). But... your food has been eaten.
Your culprits: a pudgy cousin, a lithe Australian with a lisp, twins (fraternal) - and a man with an embarrassingly small hat (purple).
a) Just ignore it. Quietly ask a waiter for a new plate. There's always no-shows.
b) Disregard Occam's razor: the cousin is insecure about his weight, he would hate to be seen as greedy. Instantly accuse the twins - but blame the taller one: he always took more than his fair share. Let the scene play out until the man with the small hat comes clean.
Mostly a). Oh, really? So noble. So straightforward. Such an honest, wilting flower in the wilderness. Ugh. Come to Doyle's
Mostly b) What did we say about lying? You didn't pick any of these answers, you devious chancer. Report to Doyle's immediately. If your eyes are as warped as your mind, we're in for quite the (ocular) adventure.